14 November, 2005

Love is in the air

Dear Daughter,

Today you will be 14 years old. Like every year, last year this time we celebrated your entry into the teenage world. The whole day was a celebration. You were surrounded by many of those who loved you. Me, your Dad, your aunts and uncles, grandparents and it was a day full of love, a day of joy, a celebration for all of us who have known you.

A year later I sit at my desk and write to you from a different world.

This will be the first birthday that you will celebrate away from me, your Dad, your family and I do not want you to miss the love that has surrounded you all these years or question its existence just because we are not physically there with you. This letter is not to remind you of the past but to talk to you about the future that you should be looking to. This is a letter from your Mother to her first child.

14 years ago, in a small bedroom, in a small house a large family gathered to celebrate the birthday of one of their own. We spent our time talking, laughing and watching badly made serials, which were the norm that age, but were fascinating to us because we watched it on our new colour TV. You will not relate to this my child, but in those days watching colour TV was an event and for all of us the experience was better than a home theatre you experience today. Your Grandmother was in the kitchen, harassed but happy organizing the dinner, when her eldest daughter, your Mom said the words that changed our lives forever – I said, “I think I should go to the hospital”. Well that was the end of your aunt’s Birthday dinner, and all I know of that day is the mad rush to reach the hospital on time. And to this day what everyone remembers of Sonia Aunty’s 24th birthday dinner is that 10 hours later a small scrawny baby came into existence.

Today I see you are a lazy child, and even at that stage you were a lazy baby. Unlike other mother’s in the hospital ward, my baby was in no hurry to come out. However I was not complaining. The time you took gave me time to get used to your existence. Till that day you were just a concept, an event that caused me some physical discomfort, a very big news that signaled a new stage in my life. A news that was shared by excited parents-to-be on a long distance phone call to even more excited grandparents-to-be. The entry of a little brown baby on this earth changed all our lives forever. That day I became a mother, and you – you were my daughter. You - who did not have a name. You, who did not exist till that moment, suddenly became real in my arms. You were just my daughter and I loved you so much already that it surprised even me.

With time as all parents do, your mom and dad also gave you a name. Monica. And now you are just Mona for all of us. From a small baby who used to cry, pee and shit in our hands you have come a long way baby. And so has our relationship. It has changed with every year, grown and evolved with your growth. From the howling baby in my arms, to the inquisitive kid who held my hands while we walked to the market, today you are at a stage of life when you walk alone. I know that as you grow our relationship will also grow and change some more. I am excited about this future that we will share as an mother and daughter and I look forward to this with as much excitement as the early pioneers must have felt when they stepped into unknown and unexplored territory. So dear daughter Mona here goes, on your 14th birthday a sentimental note for you from a mother who is missing you. And wishing that she could be with you and hold you, hug you and kiss you on this day more than any other.

Many of your birthdays have been alone, without your families around you but most of them you will not remember because you were too young. Some you will have clear memories of. Some you will have images of. Today when you are old enough to remember, I know you will feel the gap, feel alone. Miss everyone. Home, family, school, friends, everyone…... It’s ok to be miserable for some time, baby. But don’t let it linger for too long.

I write this letter today to help you recognise that love is not limited by physical presence. And to know that, to know and understand that, is not for every one. It needs a special someone to realize that. I have always known that you are one of those special ones my dear. And remember always that this is what makes you different from others. Apart from your spirit and your capacity for happiness. You don’t let anything lower you for long. And on this day I want to tell you that don’t ever let this optimism go from you because you taught me, your mother the joys of an optimistic world.

From 13 to 14 is a big jump. And this jump is your first step into the real world. Its lovely to be a child. But what is amazing (and this is something that not many will tell you) – Its great to be an adult also. As you grow the fun that you have just increases. Now with every day and year you will move from the child to adulthood. It will not be an easy journey. And more than anyone else you can recognise the difficulties ahead. That is because in your small life you have faced and dealt with a lot of different experiences and situations. More than most people have dealt with in 40 years. What is amazing about you is that through it all you have managed with absolute grace and come out of it a beautiful person.

Yes, It is good to grow up, and look forward to things. School will get more interesting and slowly you will start exercising your choice. It starts with choosing your subjects. You will find friends who will be with you for life at this age. You will find new things about people who you know because you will see them differently. You are lucky that you are getting exposed to another culture. A whole new world has opened out there for you. You will know people from all types of different backgrounds and countries. Your mind will grow and learn a lot from this experience. Grab this opportunity my darling and make the most of it.

I know it will be tough on you that this year you are all alone. No Mamma no Dada no family. But all I want to say to you today is that what is always more important than anything else is that you have people who love you lots and lots and lots. We may not be there physically. But it is important for you to know that we can never be there physically for you through your life. What you need to remember always is that we carry you in our hearts.

Always and everywhere.

In your world or in ours.

We get caught up with our daily lives and our routines. The way you do also. But its always good to take time out on days like this and remember all the people who will be thinking of you. Wishing you this day. Praying for your happiness through out. So baby, just to let you know that all of us here love you.

Anytime you want me to be there I will be there for you.

I’m missing you but the heaviness in my heart is something that I live with. I know that you are happy and that is what keeps me from crying sometimes because the hurt from missing you is so bad.

Keep your chin up.

Walk tall

Laugh most of the times

Cry some times

You will find that in life you remember the laughter more than the crying.

Remember that You do us proud.

So from the scrawny lizard like baby in my arms to the beautiful girl who’s reaching my shoulders. I am proud to know you. And when I sit next to him, I thank God for making me your mother. Even though today you are far away, starting a different life with another family.

So baby, on this special day with all my heart I say this

Happy Birthday to you.

Love

Mummy